As the television shows Pope Francis in New York for the first time ever at St. Patrick’s Cathedral and then the 9/11 Memorial and museum Thursday and Friday, his Holiness said his prayer and gave his service in Spanish, something I would have liked to attend. Pope Francis is 78 year old man, full of smiles, and very much liked.

Michelle and I wish to also grow old and be together if that’s even possible for an epileptic as her grandparents did and mine as well. Even she has said to me that sometimes enough is enough and I understand where she’s coming from. There is no one I’ll ever meet as strong and trustworthy, I’ll never love anyone the way I love her, but even she sometimes feels nervous driving around with me because I sometimes have a seizure in our car and she has taken a lashing by me which I am not proud of. It has happened while driving recently by me swinging my arms around smacking her in the face with my left hand on her right side with my steel watch and all I can say is “what’s the matter honey” because an epileptic does not remember what he or she has done, the world around them ceases to exist until it’s over. Michelle does not blame me for my actions during a seizure because they are “not my fault” she says, and she’s right, but still they happen.

On the 29th of September, Tuesday night on the way home from work she told me that I had almost broke her middle finger on her right hand because she was trying to keep my feet off of the dashboard so I guess something happened. On the next Tuesday, the 5th of October while in the bathroom, an episode happened. I wear a medical bracelet on my right wrist which has the information of my medications on it from my beautiful Aunt Lisa that I’ve worn for 15 years and still today. That day I fell back, almost broke the toilet, my head on the right smacked the bar on the wall which serves no purpose, but Michelle secured it for me with child safety padding, keeping my head safe - this time. The wall on the other hand has a small chipped tile piece from my right arm swinging up. I am fine, the tile was more hurt than me.       

But there is something an epileptic can see all day long whenever and wherever it may happen and this is the easiest way to explain it for both the young and older readers. There is a vision we can see and control to fight our own battle and stop the seizure from attacking, but not all of them - I wish. This I call a glitch. This glitch can be seen all day and it looks and feels like your brain is crashing and rebooting itself like a broken, run down computer or an old television screen cracked with colored lines in square shapes and sizes or a cracked digital watch or cellphone. If you can imagine my explanation of this Memory Function you may be able to stop some of these seizures by holding them off, waiting for it to end and then get back to a more normal life style.

There is a scream that an epileptic can understand that can’t be controlled because this scream is an awkward shape of your face and causes you the loss of your function to speak and to breathe through your mouth by not being able to open it – it locks shut. This is not a common event, not as common as falls or the glitch that occurs all day which is a good thing because it is rather loud and who doesn’t want the power to speak or breathe. Michelle knows because she can see my face or that I’m am not talking anymore and I am trying to fight it off. I usually win if it’s possible and it’s what Michelle says as well. I just put a finger up in the air as to say, hold on, give me a second and then I’m back. My wife knows the best way to deal with my issues, my parents, not as much.  

I myself go through 75 to 100 seizures a day, no exaggeration unfortunately and I have had this many problems ever since I can remember, but while I was in school and work I was able to Control most of them. This is no trick, just a way of controlling what happens besides the falls - possibly I will find a way in the future.

Since most of my seizures come from a light source glaring off of a book, a computer, street lights or the sun, I can avoid these problems mostly since they occur on my right side high on the upper corner. I throw my right hand up smacking them away, this can be done by telling your dysfunctional brain “This is my body, my life your trying to destroy, go away!”

My tip to Epileptics and a way to survive - Always know where you are, that you are okay and in a safe area or if not lean against a wall so that you know nobody else can get hurt by you and keep yourself in control of your own functions. It’s not a cure, nothing is sadly, but if you are one like me with all of these problems give it a shot, it may work for you. Michelle usually asks me what’s going on, she can see when I’m having an episode and when it’s over I tell her, “sorry, I was trying to keep it under control”.  It’s better than beating yourself down with Depression -  I know.

Since 2011 right after my marriage I have had my freedom taken from me, staying in this room, on this chair, deprived of the outside world. This has become my only way to reach out to others. I never see friends, sometimes family visits but not for me, just on occasion. I am seated on or chair with arms with a world that I find frightened of me. I find myself to be a Prisoner of Epilepsy. I look out the window behind me like a prisoner, but at least if I was a prisoner I would have more freedom along with a reason for being there. I have no rhyme or reason, just Epilepsy. Yesterday I texted Michelle that I’m 35yrs old and have been living on a couch for four years and the more I think about it, these years of my life taken from me more angry and disturbed I get and feel and I don’t know if I could live another year like this. So on that matter, if that’s not Depression enough for you then what is?  My dog has more freedom, I cannot go on living a life like this, I will not end up in a wheelchair, if I ever saw that wheelchair I would smash it against the wall, it’s not necessary and hopefully won’t be, at least not anytime soon.

I am a Fighter, always have been and never would I do anything stupid to myself on my own account. My family knows that, my old friends do too, but none of them as far as I know or was told are living the way I am. I have a cousin that was born epileptic 3 years ago, in a family from Seaford and, two boys, - twins, from Connecticut who have seizures and Autism as well at 5 years old - All Fighters like myself. I learned from my grandparents that I had epileptic family members in Italy years ago and probably to this day. Epilepsy and Autism are not genetic as some may think them to be.

I intend to help my cousins, as well as many other families suffering - Not to end up as Prisoners of Epilepsy and suffering from Depression!