THE TWILIGHT ZONE

No person with Epilepsy or Seizure disorders can remember the life that they have during the episodes, only the life before and the life after, which is the scariest part of finding out what happened again, and again, and again to the ones closest to us trying nothing other than to help, but sometimes the seizure was not able to be strong enough to take us out of the blue and can recall to what we saw and it is nothing short of life on the other side trying to affect us, that life is dark and grey full of horrible thoughts and feelings, something else that’s spinning the needle on the clock faster, quicker, with life reforming through time lapses, shapes and sizes constantly changing, which can only best be compared to

The Twilight Zone.

 It scares us to close both eyes when we get tired during the day and night because we get trapped and trampled on the life that is not here but there, in another world full of pain and hatred, a world where we are all alone finding ourselves fighting to escape, fighting to stay alive, fighting to be saved in a world that does not exist but only within ourselves, or possibly did in the past that are the thoughts of nothing short of crazy that no one else will ever understand besides the face of fear and terror that lurks within, like

The Twilight Zone.

Every single minute of my life I am frightened by one thing and one thing only, this other life-form that is lurking inside and apparently trying to find a way out, or just another way of being mortified by the Demon inside to the Demon on the outside that wants nothing less to do then to hurt others blind-sided in the view of contact and defense in the most painful way possible with tables flipping, chairs thrown across rooms smashing against walls and breaking windows, and then we find ourselves out in the open while humanity begins to sink in again, hiding behind cars and trees siting as we begin to wonder about what just happened back there and the worst is that you find yourself to scared to return, like being warped in

 The Twilight Zone.

A seizure can stop you from breathing, locking your jaw shut with people right in front of you noticing nothing, you can’t yell or cry for help, you cannot move the body at all while suffocating, and you are there, you are just there trying your hardest to get someone, anyone’s attention, before Death becomes of it and then your hands become free, your arms aren’t locked down anymore as you begin to slap your hands together harder and harder until heads start appearing asking “What was the matter?” because who else in the room besides yourself can tell that you weren’t breathing, suffocating inside but looking totally normal on the outside, and finally at that moment, when the seizure releases us can we begin to breathe again just as everybody else turns back around as if nothing strange ever happened to going on with their normal everyday lives just as we stay, worried about when the problem will occur again because this wasn’t the first time, and for sure that it won’t be the last time of being suffocating in

 The Twilight Zone.

 Then we get the recollection in other people’s eyes with the usual “Look, he’s fine” attitude when the word Fine needs a new definition for epileptics, just because we may look fine, act fine, read and write fine, some of us are the furthest thing away from being just Fine, and unfortunately nobody will see the world that we are locked into, nothing even remotely close to being too Fine, and without the right help, Finished would be a better word then

FINE: Finding Insurance Neglects Epileptics

What a Fine way to live a positive life but without a job, without a career, without being able to finish school, without a state license, without being able to pay a bill, and without a home, being thrown out onto the street with a pair of pants and a shirt in the middle of the winter, poor and alone your entire life, and don’t think of me of being anything less than all of the above, worrying about every penny on disability, poor and lonely in

The Twilight Zone.

 We know these things because most of us have experienced these issues throughout our lives, and maybe just once, but that doesn’t mean that it never happened, and the things that do happen that we cannot recall are much worse then what we can or what we are told with the looks of frustration and disappointment, like most recently and accidentally destroying in home bathroom toilets bolls and water tanks by doing nothing wrong, but sitting and finishing when all of a sudden you find yourself sitting across the room, all that we see in our points of view are fragments on the ground, some much bigger than others, while staring at the face of others scared and tormented yet staring back at us, knowing that there is nothing to say because there is no one to blame than the Demon inside and 2yrs ago when I was lying on my deathbed in NYU suffering from an on-going amount of Grand Mals, but then amazingly back home two weeks later with the one and only problem gone ever since, something that I Thank God for always and forever. I asked my mother when I returned of what she saw in me since she was one of the lucky ones in the room at that time, along with my father, my brother, my wife and a room full of what seemed to be of helpless doctors and nurses and then she said that it looked like the Hulk, Thor and Wolverine appeared and that when I asked her again on how did it all end, she said that it had just stopped and the severity has never returned since, nor should it, in

The Twilight Zone.

On August 6th of this year, still with a broken leg but out of the hard cast an into a secure metal boot for some limited walking, keeping it therapeutic, a 6p.m. at a High School/College/21st Birthday graduation/Internship celebration for my two genius cousins which was nothing short of an actual wedding party without the overwhelming lights and music which is something I am sad to say that I will never be returning to, a casino night of Living Hell for Epileptics, so, with that said, it was a beautiful night in New York, something that Mother Nature has been quite confused about, as the rest of the world can tell, the party was more then I’m sure everyone else expected it to be, as the food was delivered table to table it seemed that nobody knew what to leave without enjoying all of it, the salads came out and I was having fun until everyone else stopped having fun, all eyes on me, and once again nobody knew what to expect until I got up, faked the issue that I needed to go to the restroom just to have some peace and quiet for a moment, so, I walked down 20 steps with no issues behind a door of no emotions, for 10minutes I gave everyone time to turn around and continue, my brother Michael was with me at the time when we came to the landing and told him to just stay, you do realize that a restroom was not needed right, just some room to rest, and he understood as we continued back up 20 steps we went to my table spot of food, and utensils pushed back from anything that may of happened but didn’t by my wife, Michelle, who at 10:30pm drove us back home and we just may have been singing along with Bon Jovi music on another nice night out of having fun with family and new friends, at 11:30 it was flipped over from fun to “F…” when I found myself once again down on the floor of our home bathroom crunched against a wall, face first to the radiator that could have done something much worse than nothing, with the foot of my recently repaired leg now in unlucky view to luckily no pain, not broken from myself not thinking straight to comparing the fun night to a movie to a show besides thinking about myself which could have led to much worse of an incident had not Michelle of been right by my side, always watching over me keeping my surroundings safe to help me up off the ground, safe and steady, seated while checking for any major issue that would need medical attention but did not, not a band aid or ice pack was needed, not waking up with another needle in my arm because I have my wife as my own personal medical assistant as she reminded me of a great quote “When everything seems to be going right is when things will go wrong” especially in

The Twilight Zone.  

 I am not scared of life, I do not worry about traveling and being attacked by crazy acts of terrorism when the real Demon lurks within, so, I do not worry about pain and suffering because it has already been handed down to me more than any human should bear, but I would not hand this life over to my worst enemy if I ever had the choice to, I do not neglect my life do to personal issues and nor should you, the stone that was handed down to me I hold against with Pride, for I have found a way to live with it, to fix it without putting the burden of this life onto any other person, and I do the things that I want to do without taking the unnecessary questions of “If”, ”And” or “But”, to live my life to my potential without the stress from individuals arguments out of other people’s problems which hold no bearing on me to be concerned about, sometimes confused, but never concerned because Epilepsy was not my choice, nor was many other major issues in life, which is why it is

Time to Make a Difference,

Time for a Change,
Time to Take a Stand,
Time to Better the Lives of
the Sick and the Suffering because
no one should ever be Trapped in...

The Twilight Zone

STARING OUT OF A WINDOW

Some of us find ourselves sometimes staring out of a window every day and night,
Listening to the wind blow,

Wondering where is my life taking me?

When will my life finally take a turn for the better?

We stare at the leaves on the trees,
The blooming flowers,
We listen to the birds chirping in the air
And we wonder why.

Why can’t my life be as easy and beautiful as those birds who have their freedom?

Or those healthy leaves waving up in the air?

And then reality checks in,
Leaving us every day feeling like a caged animal or
A prison cellmate staring out of a window.   

While in deep thought of why you are not any of the above,
but tend to feel even worse when a person in prison who can befriend others,
Have their break time,
Gym time,
Gaming time,
but you’re just that guy.

That guy who wishes he could see a friend or a coworker,
When all he sees is that aging couch over there,
Along with his or her own life being wasted away minute by minute.

With people trying to do the right thing for you by trying to keep you safe from the outside world of opportunities,
While leaving you staring out of a window.

The seasons change,
The snow falls from the beautiful white clouds,
The snow melts away and the rain begins to splash down on the ground
While soiling the muddy banks for wild life’s creatures we love to return from.

The habitats of nature’s ways of life begin again full circle right before our own eyes.

And all we get to do is sit,
And stay seated while our eyes start to water up,
As we bow our heads to the wooden floor so not to be seen.
As we continue in our wonderment of the outside world from staring out of a window.      

Watching cars drive by,
Watching for kids on the street when there aren’t any,
And watching those older folks who were taking their daily walks.
Staring at them wondering what a wonderful life.

But then those folks who you never met stopped coming.
Cars full of kids lessened as you notice lives dying away all around you.
While you sat wasting your own away while staring out of a window.

Year by year you stay,
Looking at the ground while the leaves on the trees begin to fall.
The green grass that you haven’t ever stepped on dies,
The precious flowers wilt,
The birds fly south and you find your self all alone.
Dying away and coming back to life again like the leaves on the trees,
The grass begins to prosper.

Your friends return from down south while all along you still find yourself in denial of what your life could have achieved.

While we find ourselves in that same exact spot on that aging couch staring out of a window.