THE TWILIGHT ZONE

No person with Epilepsy or Seizure disorders can remember the life that they have during the episodes, only the life before and the life after, which is the scariest part of finding out what happened again, and again, and again to the ones closest to us trying nothing other than to help, but sometimes the seizure was not able to be strong enough to take us out of the blue and can recall to what we saw and it is nothing short of life on the other side trying to affect us, that life is dark and grey full of horrible thoughts and feelings, something else that’s spinning the needle on the clock faster, quicker, with life reforming through time lapses, shapes and sizes constantly changing, which can only best be compared to

The Twilight Zone.

 It scares us to close both eyes when we get tired during the day and night because we get trapped and trampled on the life that is not here but there, in another world full of pain and hatred, a world where we are all alone finding ourselves fighting to escape, fighting to stay alive, fighting to be saved in a world that does not exist but only within ourselves, or possibly did in the past that are the thoughts of nothing short of crazy that no one else will ever understand besides the face of fear and terror that lurks within, like

The Twilight Zone.

Every single minute of my life I am frightened by one thing and one thing only, this other life-form that is lurking inside and apparently trying to find a way out, or just another way of being mortified by the Demon inside to the Demon on the outside that wants nothing less to do then to hurt others blind-sided in the view of contact and defense in the most painful way possible with tables flipping, chairs thrown across rooms smashing against walls and breaking windows, and then we find ourselves out in the open while humanity begins to sink in again, hiding behind cars and trees siting as we begin to wonder about what just happened back there and the worst is that you find yourself to scared to return, like being warped in

 The Twilight Zone.

A seizure can stop you from breathing, locking your jaw shut with people right in front of you noticing nothing, you can’t yell or cry for help, you cannot move the body at all while suffocating, and you are there, you are just there trying your hardest to get someone, anyone’s attention, before Death becomes of it and then your hands become free, your arms aren’t locked down anymore as you begin to slap your hands together harder and harder until heads start appearing asking “What was the matter?” because who else in the room besides yourself can tell that you weren’t breathing, suffocating inside but looking totally normal on the outside, and finally at that moment, when the seizure releases us can we begin to breathe again just as everybody else turns back around as if nothing strange ever happened to going on with their normal everyday lives just as we stay, worried about when the problem will occur again because this wasn’t the first time, and for sure that it won’t be the last time of being suffocating in

 The Twilight Zone.

 Then we get the recollection in other people’s eyes with the usual “Look, he’s fine” attitude when the word Fine needs a new definition for epileptics, just because we may look fine, act fine, read and write fine, some of us are the furthest thing away from being just Fine, and unfortunately nobody will see the world that we are locked into, nothing even remotely close to being too Fine, and without the right help, Finished would be a better word then

FINE: Finding Insurance Neglects Epileptics

What a Fine way to live a positive life but without a job, without a career, without being able to finish school, without a state license, without being able to pay a bill, and without a home, being thrown out onto the street with a pair of pants and a shirt in the middle of the winter, poor and alone your entire life, and don’t think of me of being anything less than all of the above, worrying about every penny on disability, poor and lonely in

The Twilight Zone.

 We know these things because most of us have experienced these issues throughout our lives, and maybe just once, but that doesn’t mean that it never happened, and the things that do happen that we cannot recall are much worse then what we can or what we are told with the looks of frustration and disappointment, like most recently and accidentally destroying in home bathroom toilets bolls and water tanks by doing nothing wrong, but sitting and finishing when all of a sudden you find yourself sitting across the room, all that we see in our points of view are fragments on the ground, some much bigger than others, while staring at the face of others scared and tormented yet staring back at us, knowing that there is nothing to say because there is no one to blame than the Demon inside and 2yrs ago when I was lying on my deathbed in NYU suffering from an on-going amount of Grand Mals, but then amazingly back home two weeks later with the one and only problem gone ever since, something that I Thank God for always and forever. I asked my mother when I returned of what she saw in me since she was one of the lucky ones in the room at that time, along with my father, my brother, my wife and a room full of what seemed to be of helpless doctors and nurses and then she said that it looked like the Hulk, Thor and Wolverine appeared and that when I asked her again on how did it all end, she said that it had just stopped and the severity has never returned since, nor should it, in

The Twilight Zone.

On August 6th of this year, still with a broken leg but out of the hard cast an into a secure metal boot for some limited walking, keeping it therapeutic, a 6p.m. at a High School/College/21st Birthday graduation/Internship celebration for my two genius cousins which was nothing short of an actual wedding party without the overwhelming lights and music which is something I am sad to say that I will never be returning to, a casino night of Living Hell for Epileptics, so, with that said, it was a beautiful night in New York, something that Mother Nature has been quite confused about, as the rest of the world can tell, the party was more then I’m sure everyone else expected it to be, as the food was delivered table to table it seemed that nobody knew what to leave without enjoying all of it, the salads came out and I was having fun until everyone else stopped having fun, all eyes on me, and once again nobody knew what to expect until I got up, faked the issue that I needed to go to the restroom just to have some peace and quiet for a moment, so, I walked down 20 steps with no issues behind a door of no emotions, for 10minutes I gave everyone time to turn around and continue, my brother Michael was with me at the time when we came to the landing and told him to just stay, you do realize that a restroom was not needed right, just some room to rest, and he understood as we continued back up 20 steps we went to my table spot of food, and utensils pushed back from anything that may of happened but didn’t by my wife, Michelle, who at 10:30pm drove us back home and we just may have been singing along with Bon Jovi music on another nice night out of having fun with family and new friends, at 11:30 it was flipped over from fun to “F…” when I found myself once again down on the floor of our home bathroom crunched against a wall, face first to the radiator that could have done something much worse than nothing, with the foot of my recently repaired leg now in unlucky view to luckily no pain, not broken from myself not thinking straight to comparing the fun night to a movie to a show besides thinking about myself which could have led to much worse of an incident had not Michelle of been right by my side, always watching over me keeping my surroundings safe to help me up off the ground, safe and steady, seated while checking for any major issue that would need medical attention but did not, not a band aid or ice pack was needed, not waking up with another needle in my arm because I have my wife as my own personal medical assistant as she reminded me of a great quote “When everything seems to be going right is when things will go wrong” especially in

The Twilight Zone.  

 I am not scared of life, I do not worry about traveling and being attacked by crazy acts of terrorism when the real Demon lurks within, so, I do not worry about pain and suffering because it has already been handed down to me more than any human should bear, but I would not hand this life over to my worst enemy if I ever had the choice to, I do not neglect my life do to personal issues and nor should you, the stone that was handed down to me I hold against with Pride, for I have found a way to live with it, to fix it without putting the burden of this life onto any other person, and I do the things that I want to do without taking the unnecessary questions of “If”, ”And” or “But”, to live my life to my potential without the stress from individuals arguments out of other people’s problems which hold no bearing on me to be concerned about, sometimes confused, but never concerned because Epilepsy was not my choice, nor was many other major issues in life, which is why it is

Time to Make a Difference,

Time for a Change,
Time to Take a Stand,
Time to Better the Lives of
the Sick and the Suffering because
no one should ever be Trapped in...

The Twilight Zone

PRAISE FOR THE WISE

BLESSED ARE THE WISE AT HEART,

FOR THEIRS WILL BE SAVED,

BY THE HAND OF THE LORD

Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

There comes a time in a person’s life when he or she wants to share their stories or problems with others so that they can reach out to other individuals before we realize that that time we wish to have runs out, and there is nobody else capable of telling these lifelong stories but themselves. These are the more then major things that have happened to me, but I did not know yet when or how to share them due to the intensity of some of them. (Please be aware though that these stories are not all, so to say, peachy, as they are down to earth)!

There are reasons of why I am alive today, why I can share the knowledge that I have about my serious conditions with you. My life has been a battle of ups and downs, struggles and sacrifices, schools, bullies, sports teams, you name it. But, my mentality has never escaped me as is; I WANT TO AND CHOOSE TO DO BETTER, WORK HARDER SO THAT THE TIME WILL COME WHEN I CAN HELP ANOTHER LIVING SOUL IN NEED!

Blessed are they who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

I have been pushed to my limits many times repeatedly and have not succumbed to them, all of them, along with some of the amazements that even my own doctors didn’t see coming. From absence (Petit Mal) seizures to generalized Tonic-Clonic (Grand Mal) seizures to almost being killed on a bicycle over a street divider thrown into on-coming cars and only breaking my left collateral (collar bone) when I was thirty riding to see my future wife.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the land.

This was the my first and only bone ever to be broken, and I remember these things like it was yesterday. I opened my eyes laying there on the ground, my front wheel bent, not spinning, with five cars around me. About ten Good Samaritans, almost all of them said that they had family members with the same problems (once I told them) helping me up calling for an ambulance. But they could see that there was a problem, something wrong with myself, a normal pedestrian. All I wanted was to do was rise like I always did and say thank you for the help! They said to stay down, your hurt, and we already called for help. My biking helmet still on, secure, but that was the very last time I road my $1,400 Specialized mountain bicycle, or anything on wheels ever again. I never wanted to see a bike, especially that bike, from the memory of almost being killed. But my brother Michael wanted to fix it for himself, so I let him have it, although it mostly just stayed put in the garage where he left it.  

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be satisfied.

At 29yrs of age, a broken collateral can be healed on its own, depending on the damage done, but at 30, it’s a nice steel bar with 9 long screws, 6 down and 3 across, which still hurts to this day, and will forever. Any pressure placed on it, mostly by Michelle’s arm being thrown over or across my head for a simple hug is too much. I already had a VNS in my left pictorial wired to my throat, which is a piece of metal that can never be removed. When I left that hospital, I felt more and more like Robocop, as I joked about with my friends. I was alive because I was smart, if I had not of been wearing my helmet, I would have fractured my head, face and jaw. Let’s just say that I would have died! But God knows that I am far smarter than the ones you see on the road today, riding bareheaded! 

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

And then the Grander of my falls which sealed the deal of me being watched 24/7/365, and to date:

The LIRR Train Track Incident of 2012!

Going into details about that haunts my parents, my father mostly still today who were there to see it happen. Nightmares of that day when the three of us were standing at the Auburndale Station one late afternoon and me checking to see for a train coming any time now. Something I did for years, alone. That day I thought that I would go again, without anyone’s help. We were the only three people there at the time on that platform, and when the signs say stay back, away from the tracks, you do it, because then something like this may happen! My mother cried for months about this accident and myself when telling me stories about my father crying in bed for nights trying to understand Why?

Blessed are the clean of heart,

for they will see God.

Why his son, a 200-pound healthy man can suddenly fall dead down onto a 6 foot drop railroad track smashing the right side of his body head first, as we thought at the time. A hero, my father, jumped down, helped me up, and we walked the entire other way of the train track, slower than ever, until we finally made it to an old wooden ladder that we could climb. With no train in sight.

I had blood that was gushing out of me from what I thought at the time was my chin. And we waited and waited and waited which seemed like forever until the ambulance finally arrived. I noticed a man and a woman with a stretcher, and the man was average in size, but the women looked like she could have been my young baby sister. I didn’t freak out, but I did ask if they were anyone else with them. I kept saying to myself “This is going to be interesting”, and I was right. Rolling me over and into that ambulance took a bit more time then I would have appreciated. And then there was the big question, “Where are we taking him, he’s epileptic!” They started with Booth Memorial, but in years past Booth has no idea what epilepsy is, not one neurologist on hand. So, my mother and I were fighting with them to take me into NYU, my hospital full of neurologists, and especially my own! But then the driver said “Where is it, how do I get there”? and he wasn’t kidding. I wanted to grab him by the throat and say, “What kind of a damn ambulance is this?”! I was obviously in no shape to. I rolled my eyes and my mother took control of things from there.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called children of God.

Into NYU we went and my father was traveling right behind us. We were still confused, nobody had an answer, and I was still bleeding profusely. But my face was fine, it had already been cleaned from inside the ambulance. My head on the other hand, was not good and different doctors told me different stories. The facts though, first was that the blood that hadn’t stopped was from blood in my brain. The second, was that my shoulders, broader than most, hit the ground before my head hit the track, saving my life, but it wasn’t done with yet. Another doctor said that he noticed a crack in the back of my scull.

After that I spent a couple of weeks in NYU having to flush the blood build up out of that same ear, while keeping my head to its side. Draining the blood out was a job that had to be done by myself, under supervision, without doctor’s tools or surgeries, just check-ups (This had to be done at home for a long time until the blood was completely drained out, in bed. This went on for a year, and some)!       

Now, this one doctor’s assumption and observation of my fractured cracked skull could have been wrong, but he may have been right as well. This is because that first night on that bed at NYU, without a doctor or nurses visit, was healed. That morning when doctors and nurses started to pile in, testing me about the usual, Name, Day, Time, How many fingers and such. I answered all their questions correctly and then when they checked the condition my head was in, they were all confused and amazed at the same time. I was just waiting to hear what the plan was now, yet I was not afraid of what they were about to say, and then I heard them chit-chatting like all doctors and nurses do, that it’s okay, he’s good. And then telling me that my head was healed, with wide opened eyes!

The blood although, persisted, and to this day on I find blood every day in my ear and more in my nostrils. Everything that comes blown onto a rag has dry and crusty blood, more than the average gook which is expected.  

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

The major falls continued throughout 2012, but this time it was in my bathroom, again. An metal heater can do great damage if it is fallen on and can slice the not so fortunate up like falling on shards of glass. I had four staples shot in my head to prove it. I was very lucky to of not been severely hurt, it hurt a lot less going in than coming out. It’s not a string, and it needs to be pulled out medically with a pair of pliers. For a word of advice, make sure that there is a man in the room, or a tough woman who knows her stuff, because I had my head yanked round and round by another one that could have passed for my baby sister, again! Just goes to figure. I had enough and told the girl to find someone capable, and one, two, three, four, they popped out, with a man’s help! (my wifecushioned the heater right after to keep me protected from that ever happening again!).

Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you falsely because of me.

Rejoice and be glad,

for your reward will be great in heaven.

Once that was all over and done with, I wanted my first tattoo to be a rather large one of Jesus Christ on my right arm with my father’s name Arcangelo Fiacco under it, scribbled in professionally as ‘MY FATHER, MY HERO’, for lifting me off those train tracks, risking his own life, like all great fathers would do, before being killed on those tracks by an on-coming train. My great parents are still alive and healthy today, just a bit slower and very much more tired than before. But, that tattoo is still up in the air until I can fork-up $5,000 or more for it, just hoping that one day I will be wearing something about him for all to see! 

The Beatitudes as told by Jesus Christ at the Sermon on the Mount. Matthew Chapter 5

Epileptic Marriages

A major concern in many Epileptic lives after getting married is how to stay married!

First before we begin I want you to read a powerful entry in the New Testament:

A Reading from the Letter to the Hebrews chapter 13: 1-8

Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect hospitality, for through it some have unknowingly entertained angels. Be mindful of prisoners as if sharing their imprisonment, and of the ill-treated as of yourselves, for you also are in the body. Let marriage be honored among all and the marriage bed be kept undefiled, for God will judge the immoral and adulterers. Let your life be free from love of money but be content with what you have, for he has said, I will never forsake you or abandon you.

Thus we may say with confidence:

The Lord is my helper,

And I will not be afraid.

What can anyone do to me?

Remember the leaders who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. – The word of the Lord.

    In many lives, marriage’s get ruined because a man or a woman cannot deal with the other one’s problems. This is a major issue, especially for the person who’s watching you and all of your issues such as falling, bleeding, and seizures of all types. It is quite scary for your other half. Not working doesn’t help the situation either but, for our sake, sometimes it’s a must. Some of us after a marriage, by accident due to epilepsy become paralyzed, stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives or dead! Death by SUDEP (sudden unexpected death do to epilepsy) can happen to any epileptic which is not something I wish to share about, basically because any widow/er whose husband or wife passes away from a SUDEP incident has to simply mourn the loss of their loved one.

    The husband or wife that is not epileptic needs to, and should care and realize that the other may be in terrible condition, shape or feelings. Pain mostly that can not be seen by the other person, or that they will not be able to see what goes on inside the other one’s head, all day long!

    I know how difficult it is for anyone to watch the other one seizing from Petit Mals to Grand Mals and of all other sorts as well. My wife has a heart of gold because she fights through all of my problems more than any other person I have ever knew would. I did not marry her for all of that because, at the time of my marriage and before I was not having the problems I have today. These problems started happening right after our marriage and honeymoon and yet, for almost 5yrs now and going still she had to become a full time worker during the day and my wife/nurse at night. It is something very special about a person who has to put up with all of my rather hard to deal with issues sometimes, and yet does it very well by keeping her eyes on me always and everywhere. Not something that I am happy about but, do I have any other choice?

    Your spouse needs to be in better shape than you are hopefully to become your chef and house maid. I myself did not mind 7yrs ago with the cooking and help with the cleaning; vacuuming mostly. Being Italian as well I had to ask Michelle, my girlfriend at the time, if she was a good cook, not an okay cook but, a fabulous one it turned out to be. Barbecuing in the Spring, Summer and Fall was much more my specialty as all husbands usually are and that was taken away from me too.

    Therefore, my life consists of books mostly, reading all sorts from wherever and whenever they were published and music, yet not as often. Weekends only mostly. 

    Forgetting about my wife and I and back to a case such as yours, finding someone to drive you from here to there is another major concern. For the longest time in my life, since 2000 I had given up my Driver’s License, smartly after only 2yrs of driving. I did not feel as well as I had before, although stupidly others would rather not give up their Driver’s License instead of acquiring their Identification Card as I did and cause accidents and death to others and themselves. 

     Taking vacations with your spouse as you’ve done in your past with your families or not, is still necessary for the other to get out into world from being trapped most of the days, months and years of their lives! A honeymoon is a vacation but, a vacation the two of you find necessary after their wedding which is not true. The truth is for the two of you to find time to share with each others constant company, to know that you can deal with your spouse’s problems and issues. To be with that person on a 24/7 basis to know that you are and will give your life up for that person when and if necessary. That you will throw yourself in front of a bus or bullet for that person. That is what Love is!  

    For sure, a spouse may annoy the hell out of you, but that is a very common thing to happen. Is that any reason to leave the other person behind? No

    My wife and I worry about each other every second of everyday of our lives. She works in Manhattan. I am home which makes me most fearful knowing that I cannot run to her as I was able to do in our earlier years. For 13 hours or more a day I am not with her and it kills me to think about it over and over again. I am able to see my wife after work and before our bedtime for only about 4hrs until the next day begins all over again. Sure we take vacations, but not many. Over our seven plus years together we have only been on a few long vacations.  

    Everybody knows that a marriage is not cheap, not to say that you shouldn’t have one though because of your issues, that is a terrible thing to do or how to live. But, if you are lucky enough to find the right person to help you with your problems or difficult times, then I can only say Amen to that. If the person that you are with is afraid of you and your problems which I have seen personally, then that is not the right person for you, whatever it is you may have!