WAKING IN A POOL OF BLOOD

Not something that I wished to be talking about, but coming close to death on so many events has caused me to be more cautious than a regular human being.

Cancellations are something that Michelle and I know well. Our honeymoon was a cruise, the Allure of the Seas by Royal Caribbean and the following year on our 1 year anniversary we did an Eastern Caribbean cruise on the Oasis of the Seas owned by the same company. In May of 2013 we needed to cancel our 3rd Anniversary cruise for the week of June 4th because of all that had happened to me that May. We haven’t been on a cruise since or a vacation at all for that matter. Michelle and I do take out insurance on everywhere we book, otherwise we would be charged for the whole trip even though we were not there - every airline, every hotel and it costs us each an extra hundred dollars. The cruise ships that we had chosen to take are too big to travel to New York with all the low bridges so they need to be taken out of Fort Lauderdale, FL. There are ships that can make it up to New York which docks in Bayonne, New Jersey which we will be taking in 2016 if that is possible.

Yesterday was no different, I had bought tickets to go see Steve Jobs the movie that just opened in theatres and the following day we had tickets to a Ranger game which all came to a deadly halt.

Michelle with her jacket on ready to go at 3:45pm for a 4:20 flick had me go to the bathroom one last time so that I’d be okay for the movie which we have done so many times already. I went to this place which seems to want me dead for some reason I’ll never know. As I stood up, pants down, 6 feet tall I came crashing down again face first smashing against the bathroom door side slicing my face beside my right eye (saving it once more) and my upper lip, same side along with my elbow and knees.

A river of blood came shooting out of the top of my face gushing out as I lay there, naked from top to bottom - face, arms, hands and legs covered in blood. Quickly Michelle put a towel for me to hold over my face to stop the bleeding, but because I was still in an epileptic trance, I didn’t hold it well as the blood kept running down. A forehead and face are not the parts of the body you want sliced. As I laid there I lost the second most amount of blood to the train tracks incident (that will be a future blog). I finally came to and held the towel over my face because I had not yet known where the blood was coming from and eventually I noticed.

As I opened my left eye and looked down at myself and the ground it was all red and the blood had even trailed into the hallway and onto the rug. Michelle had called my parents over which had taken more time than usual because my father had just came home from work and had to quickly change. Well Michelle started cleaning me and helped me get my pants up as I sat and waited in the bathroom chair. Amazingly though the bleeding stopped for the most part, so I did not need stiches. Michelle is very good at many things and one of them is being my nurse away from a hospital. As my parents waited for me in the kitchen Michelle and I went into the bedroom to get all of the blood wiped away from my body and I changed my clothes being very careful of all my wounds. My parents waited and were happy to see me return once more okay and almost totally normal again. The only good part of this true story is that it had happened on a Saturday which meant for me that Michelle would be home to take care of me, much better than my mother so that I wouldn’t have to bring cleaning products along with me but I would still wait for Michelle’s return.    

Michelle is very good with band aids and lucky for me she’s not afraid of blood or vomit like most wives are and that’s why I have her for a wife, nobody could do a better job of taking care of me when it is needed. God knows!

Although the question is “When will this stop?” You can say only God knows because there is no cure for Epilepsy, not yet anyway. I was so frightened last night that I don’t know how much more I can take so I started ordering books on Amazon just because for some reason it makes me feel better to read books all written by my epileptic friend, Fyodor Dostoevsky as well as I don’t know what tomorrow’s going to bring. Does anyone?  

My grandparents early that morning before this incident had called over my parents, godmother and my Aunt Lisa over to come at 7:30p.m. and they were calling us down for cake and coffee around 9. I said to Michelle “they must be crazy if they think that we are going down to visit too, I don’t want to be seen covered in bandages”. Michelle agreed. My Aunt Lisa came up, who I always have a fun time talking to, no one else came up until my mother had brought up a slice of delicious cake that grandma had made that looked like the entire cake. After my mother left, they kept calling Lisa back down, bugging her to have coffee and tea. She finally went back down to them, but gave me a hug like no other because nobody knows if they will see me again. I promised her that I would stay strong for her and the rest of the family.

I had Michelle go into our bedroom closet and grab my baseball helmet which is big , strong, new and cushioned, which I believe will work well for keeping my face from ever bleeding again, at least in our bathroom. More easy said than done, but I can at least try not waking up in a pool of my own blood!     

SAMMY, ONE AMAZING DOG!

Sammy is now 10 years old, born on July 10th . It all started at a puppy mill in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, Amish country on August 27th 2005 by my brother Michael, making the dog now 64 years old. The ratio in case you don’t have a dog is 7:1 but 1:1 their first year to humans. Sammy is a fun loving Jack Russel Terrier, very smart and very strong. His breed is something special, one of the smartest of all and I have a true story to prove it. Jack Russel’s are small to medium sized dogs, on average 15 to 20 pounds and definitely a Terrier. They are a hunting breed with a long snout, speed and strength and what hunters love most about them – catching rabbits mostly.

Sammy is older now and weighs in at 26 pounds.    

He runs like a bullet, made his own track in our backyard at a previous house which he enjoyed compared to the new house he has lived in the past five years. The first five years were perfect for him to grow and run and have fun. The rest of us, besides my mother were working at the time and two brothers in school. The first year my mother hated Sammy, despised him. She would ask all of us at the dinner table many times this question while in an angry tone. “Who would you guys prefer to live with, Sammy or me, make your choice”.

My brothers Chris, Michael, Anthony, Dad and I every time yelled out “Sammy”. She knew that she was not going to win so the question stopped. After that Sammy started to grow on her to become her most favorite in the family. He would chase the cats away constantly, but they would return because Chris fed them, always. I’ll get back to that later. Sammy learned English and Italian, some tricks and how to respond by making funny sounds which he picked up from Michelle who he fell in love with. In 2012 after our wedding with me at my parents he noticed me back everyday, but the weekends and this is when he became my personal Watchdog.

Now a watchdog is a trained as a puppy for the needy of all sorts or as Canine Cops. Sammy was already seven, much older but just as smart. Dad told him one thing and one thing only which changed him - “Sammy, stay here and watch Bruno”, and that was all it took. For fours years so far he has stayed by my side always, in his bed when I sat on the couch I dread so much, only rose when I did and swung my hand to give him the signal to come and run to the back door or stayed with me while I ate at the table. He knew when and if I fell, always stayed by the bathroom door to listen. When we walked, he knew where the stairs were around the house and made sure that he was by my side on my right to keep me safe as well and he turned his head around to make sure that I was still there with him.

He truly is an amazing dog!  He loves birthdays and Christmas mostly because we allow him to open all of the presents and even look at what’s in the box to get his approval, from toys to shirts and ties, I kid you not. He is adorable when he smiles and you can just wonder what he is thinking. My little NY Ranger.  

Most of the time that I look at him I know that even though they aren’t saying anything that he’s smarter then we are. Michelle always says herself “If he could only talk, I wonder what he’s thinking”. I just tell her that “I think if he could Michelle, it would be pretty creepy”.  Michelle loves The Gremlin’s which is always what she’s referring too, the one that turns into a scientist in the Second movie. Would be funny, but that would mean all talking!

Any baby, child or dogs/cats, his breed is 100% safe. He loves any young creature, goes up to babies and stops in his tracks and puts his little wet nose onto them and turns away. Only my 2 year old cousin Nicholas has ever been knocked over, fallen and giggled along with every adult as well laughing because it was not intentional.

Sammy chases cats always as dogs do, but jumps right over the kittens aka his friends to chase the big angry ones that have the intention of hurting him. He barks and barks along with adults until you pet him, become his friend and he will remember you always and forever. But from chasing those 12 cats left and right, he ended up injuring his back legs/ knees (deteriorating joints) to where he was unable to bend them, forcing him to hop on his hind legs like a rabbit. Sammy spends most of his time in his bed away from even me, afraid and embarrassed of himself. He went to the vet twice who put him on pain killers and steroids because he was not eating a thing and losing weight, and it’s now October. He had lost a few big teeth on his right side in December 2014 and June 2015 and needed to have soft food only, not hard as the doctor ordered. I always gave him that kind and Michelle bought him many soft snacks, but then he stopped eating them as well. The steroids help for a bit but he refused to take pain killers unless he is tricked to, using cheese or fortune cookies. He stopped almost everything, would not follow me anymore as well as not walking up stairs, if he went out for his business, he would not come back in and had to be picked up. The 1inch stoop by the front door he refused as well, and has to be assisted.

On Sunday October 18, my brother Michael and his fiancé Despina got married and we needed him for pictures like at my wedding 4.5 years ago so he was called, not walking well but that somehow changed the next day. This can be possibly because we had 50 people in my parent’s house or more and the same amount the next day which is why I think Sammy decided to give it a shot and walk again. We all saw his legs walking like normal almost round and round. I was just worried of him getting stepped on accidentally. I was soo happy as was Michelle, many others outside of my immediate family did not know of his problems. I had Michelle with me almost the whole day to do what I wanted, to stand. It was a party and the seats were for a few people that needed to sit and eat so I stood and sat when the time was right and available.

Sammy is a one of a kind dog that will never be a replaceable nor would we want to. We plan on having him for as long as is possible! He keeps me company always and will forever. All dogs do go to heaven, this one will break my heart more then any pet ever has if I cannot see him smile in his bed everyday or napping next to me always wherever that may be or to see him waiting for me at the top of the steps or by the outside doors to keep me safe or hear him running with his dog tags on his color around his neck dangling.  

FUN FACT ABOUT SAMMY:

For the past five years since the central vacuum system in the house was installedSammy became what my mother calls him -

"The Vacuum Cop/Police".

Now Sammy knows where all of the central system vents are and absolutely must be the one to show my mother from the first to the last when she takes out the hose. He oversees every crevice in the house which is not the funniest part of Sammy around the house from top to bottom. He runs to each of these central vacuum vents, but then races back to me because he is terrified like a baby of each vent and jumps on me.

I have to save his shaking little body all day and yet he jumps off of me right back to do it all over again. :)

Prisoners of Epilepsy & Depression

As the television shows Pope Francis in New York for the first time ever at St. Patrick’s Cathedral and then the 9/11 Memorial and museum Thursday and Friday, his Holiness said his prayer and gave his service in Spanish, something I would have liked to attend. Pope Francis is 78 year old man, full of smiles, and very much liked.

Source - Beacon Energy News

Michelle and I wish to also grow old and be together if that’s even possible for an epileptic as her grandparents did and mine as well. Even she has said to me that sometimes enough is enough and I understand where she’s coming from. There is no one I’ll ever meet as strong and trustworthy, I’ll never love anyone the way I love her, but even she sometimes feels nervous driving around with me because I sometimes have a seizure in our car and she has taken a lashing by me which I am not proud of. It has happened while driving recently by me swinging my arms around smacking her in the face with my left hand on her right side with my steel watch and all I can say is “what’s the matter honey” because an epileptic does not remember what he or she has done, the world around them ceases to exist until it’s over. Michelle does not blame me for my actions during a seizure because they are “not my fault” she says, and she’s right, but still they happen.

On the 29th of September, Tuesday night on the way home from work she told me that I had almost broke her middle finger on her right hand because she was trying to keep my feet off of the dashboard so I guess something happened. On the next Tuesday, the 5th of October while in the bathroom, an episode happened. I wear a medical bracelet on my right wrist which has the information of my medications on it from my beautiful Aunt Lisa that I’ve worn for 15 years and still today. That day I fell back, almost broke the toilet, my head on the right smacked the bar on the wall which serves no purpose, but Michelle secured it for me with child safety padding, keeping my head safe - this time. The wall on the other hand has a small chipped tile piece from my right arm swinging up. I am fine, the tile was more hurt than me.       

But there is something an epileptic can see all day long whenever and wherever it may happen and this is the easiest way to explain it for both the young and older readers. There is a vision we can see and control to fight our own battle and stop the seizure from attacking, but not all of them - I wish. This I call a glitch. This glitch can be seen all day and it looks and feels like your brain is crashing and rebooting itself like a broken, run down computer or an old television screen cracked with colored lines in square shapes and sizes or a cracked digital watch or cellphone. If you can imagine my explanation of this Memory Function you may be able to stop some of these seizures by holding them off, waiting for it to end and then get back to a more normal life style.

There is a scream that an epileptic can understand that can’t be controlled because this scream is an awkward shape of your face and causes you the loss of your function to speak and to breathe through your mouth by not being able to open it – it locks shut. This is not a common event, not as common as falls or the glitch that occurs all day which is a good thing because it is rather loud and who doesn’t want the power to speak or breathe. Michelle knows because she can see my face or that I’m am not talking anymore and I am trying to fight it off. I usually win if it’s possible and it’s what Michelle says as well. I just put a finger up in the air as to say, hold on, give me a second and then I’m back. My wife knows the best way to deal with my issues, my parents, not as much.  

I myself go through 75 to 100 seizures a day, no exaggeration unfortunately and I have had this many problems ever since I can remember, but while I was in school and work I was able to Control most of them. This is no trick, just a way of controlling what happens besides the falls - possibly I will find a way in the future.

Since most of my seizures come from a light source glaring off of a book, a computer, street lights or the sun, I can avoid these problems mostly since they occur on my right side high on the upper corner. I throw my right hand up smacking them away, this can be done by telling your dysfunctional brain “This is my body, my life your trying to destroy, go away!”

My tip to Epileptics and a way to survive - Always know where you are, that you are okay and in a safe area or if not lean against a wall so that you know nobody else can get hurt by you and keep yourself in control of your own functions. It’s not a cure, nothing is sadly, but if you are one like me with all of these problems give it a shot, it may work for you. Michelle usually asks me what’s going on, she can see when I’m having an episode and when it’s over I tell her, “sorry, I was trying to keep it under control”.  It’s better than beating yourself down with Depression -  I know.

Since 2011 right after my marriage I have had my freedom taken from me, staying in this room, on this chair, deprived of the outside world. This has become my only way to reach out to others. I never see friends, sometimes family visits but not for me, just on occasion. I am seated on or chair with arms with a world that I find frightened of me. I find myself to be a Prisoner of Epilepsy. I look out the window behind me like a prisoner, but at least if I was a prisoner I would have more freedom along with a reason for being there. I have no rhyme or reason, just Epilepsy. Yesterday I texted Michelle that I’m 35yrs old and have been living on a couch for four years and the more I think about it, these years of my life taken from me more angry and disturbed I get and feel and I don’t know if I could live another year like this. So on that matter, if that’s not Depression enough for you then what is?  My dog has more freedom, I cannot go on living a life like this, I will not end up in a wheelchair, if I ever saw that wheelchair I would smash it against the wall, it’s not necessary and hopefully won’t be, at least not anytime soon.

I am a Fighter, always have been and never would I do anything stupid to myself on my own account. My family knows that, my old friends do too, but none of them as far as I know or was told are living the way I am. I have a cousin that was born epileptic 3 years ago, in a family from Seaford and, two boys, - twins, from Connecticut who have seizures and Autism as well at 5 years old - All Fighters like myself. I learned from my grandparents that I had epileptic family members in Italy years ago and probably to this day. Epilepsy and Autism are not genetic as some may think them to be.

I intend to help my cousins, as well as many other families suffering - Not to end up as Prisoners of Epilepsy and suffering from Depression!